things_have_changed's Xanga

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 22:10:10 GMT

For the record. I just quit smoking... as of 5:09 pm tonight. Until The Fantasticks closes. And maybe longer. So um, tomorrow and Thursday I'm going to be hacking up a lung, just so ya know.

Let's see how long this lasts, eh?

~manda

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:05:51 GMT

He has also:

OD'd on heroin, done Coke until he was broke and strung out, gotten sexual assault charges for having sex that he couldn't even remember because he was high...

In general, he sounds like a horrible guy. But, he did not drink or get high for 2 days because he promised me he wouldn't. And he is sick and miserable and he hates it, but he's doing it because he promised and... a boy who keeps his promises is a boy I can't help but love.

And I called him today. And he was sick and laying on the couch and just waiting for this day to be over so he can feel better. But he talked to me and was cheerful and he's getting off work to see me in The Fantasticks, and he's going to the show on Thursday just to see me, and... I like him x100000000. I can't help it.

~manda

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 19:08:08 GMT

So, I just had the saddest conversation with him ever. He said that he had started trying to kill himself in 3rd grade. And that he didn't care if he died right now. And why should I care, since I'm only going to know him for so long? And I made him promise that he wouldn't intentionally die in the next 5 years. That includes: car crash from drunk driving, alcohol poisoning, weed poisoning, lung cancer from smoking, and trying to kill himself in other ways.

What could make a person's life so bad that he would not even care???

~manda

edit: so after this I was so sad I got drunk. And called him. And he came to a concert that I was going to, even though he said he wasn't going. And he came over, and we got drunk, and had a sleepover and DIDN'T DO ANYTHING but talk and sleep and cuddle a little. And, it was the cutest thing in the entire world.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:04:23 GMT

Having a crush on a boy makes me exceedingly giddy.

Because, it means

1) I'm over Grant... finally
2) I'm not a lesbian
3) I find myself to be desirable again

which really, there could be nothing better than that. And my God, he's good looking. And funny. And a druggie, which I'm strangely attracted to.

And I can't think about anything else but him... which is pathetic, but really, I'm just giddy. Because he flirts too, I know it. So eventually, I'm going to be dating this boy. This boy that takes up so much of my thoughts right now will take up even more very soon! (I hope.)

And I sound about 12 years old. It's sad that I'm 16. I think its because I was with Grant for so long that I forgot what this felt like. But hey, a girl's allowed to be obsessive once in a while, right?

~manda

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 20:05:16 GMT

Seriously. I hate her. More than can even be normal. Every word she says, I find offensive. Personally, I think that every word she says IS offensive.

But she is with us ALL the time. So much so that I'm going to have to stop hanging out with them so I don't have to deal with her any more.

I started crying on the way home from Carmyn's today. Because I'm so frustrated! Her locker is right next to mine, she works with me, she hangs out with me. And she seems to think that I don't like her just because I'm being crabby. NO. I don't like her because of her personality. At the moment, they just don't mesh. At all. She's proud of working at a fast food restaurant. I am not. She thinks that if she hangs out with people who think they are cool, it will make her cool or something!

I don't want friends who think they're all that. Because thats fake. I want friends who are real.

AND I HATE THIS AND I HATE IT AND I JUST WANT TO CRY AND CRY AND HURT MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE AND AND AND AND

i'm done. I'm just not going to talk to her anymore, and maybe she'll get the hint.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 00:21:52 GMT

So I caught my dad spying on me on this xanga. Literally, I walked in the room, and he was looking at my site and then he closed it down really fast and I just started yelling.

P.S. Dad, it's not cool to spy on your daughter.

From now on friends, if you wanna talk to me, AIM. I'll give you my new site, if I ever get one.

~manda

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 19:56:47 GMT

So I'm coming home from the cottage any minute now. Therefore, I should be back around 6:30 or so.

The cottage, predictably, was boring. And it created a further gap between me and "the boys" - my dad and brother.

Sorry that I don't actually like skiing. And that I don't want to swim for hours on end. And that I would be happier just sitting inside and reading a book until 2 in the morning, so thats what I did.

Yeah, being the weirdo of the family gets tiring fast.

~manda

Friday, August 12, 2005

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 19:55:09 GMT

I'm up at my cottage for the weekend. So I'll be back around... 5? On Sunday.

I will be bored, but I'll get in a lot of good quality reading time at least...

~manda

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 16:07:15 GMT

So yeah. The past few days:

I applied at Culvers for a job. Interview Monday. Hopefully I don't suck this one up as much...

I got really excited about the dance that we're doing for "The King and I"... I'm super excited that I get to do it and stuff and and and its gonna look cool and it's prolly gonna be the best part of the entire show!

I went to Lauren's party thing, which was... alright. I realized that I haven't talked to a lot of those people in forever, so I was kind of left out, but I forced my way in and it was alright. Better than I expected, anyway.

Other than that, nothing's really going on. I'm not going to monologue camp because of my extreme insomnia so I can't even function at the moment...

Oh. And I gained a pound of the weight I lost back. Crap. Back to the diet for me...

~manda

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 04:09:06 GMT

I hate society. I am going to make a colony in Montana where everything is completely fair. And there will be rules:

#1: No sucking up. Be completely honest at all times, even if that means telling them that yes, their ass DOES look wide in those jeans. This way, school teachers, directors, and other people that tend to gravitate to suck-ups will have to deal with real people who won't pet their egos instead.

#2: No favoritism. People will get only what they deserve based on their qualifications. If two people have the exact same qualifications, then it will be decided by foot size or some other completely irrelevant factor.

#3: All things will be shared by all based on need. Thats right, we have socialism, a hippy colony going on here folks. If your neighbor is going hungry, give them that damn loaf of bread sitting in your freezer! You don't need it, you don't even like bread! So give it up.

#4: No being mean. Because it doesn't do any good, and just isolates people into cliques and so forth. So if you don't like a person, be civil to them. You don't have to go out of your way to speak to them, but don't be rude just for the sake of being rude.

#5: All final decisions on any issue will be regulated to me. Because my sense of fairness is quite finely honed, and I will know which side of the injustice to be on.

#6: Any and all people who do not abide by these rules will be kicked out of my colony. And sent to some small town, where people feel no need to abide by any of these rules, because they have nothing better to do in their small miserable lives than play mind games with each other. And I hope all you fake, unjust, mean people are shunned and know the horrible feeling of unfairness NOT in your favor. Ah, vindication.

This spawned from numerous discussions that were had tonight, most saying that my system of beliefs will cripple me so majorly that I will never be able to a) get a job, b) get a decent part in a musical, or c) meet the man of my dreams.

Psh. In my colony in Montana, all these things will come to me in time.

~manda