For the record. I just quit smoking... as of 5:09 pm tonight. Until The Fantasticks closes. And maybe longer. So um, tomorrow and Thursday I'm going to be hacking up a lung, just so ya know.

Let's see how long this lasts, eh?

~manda

He has also:

OD'd on heroin, done Coke until he was broke and strung out, gotten sexual assault charges for having sex that he couldn't even remember because he was high...

In general, he sounds like a horrible guy. But, he did not drink or get high for 2 days because he promised me he wouldn't. And he is sick and miserable and he hates it, but he's doing it because he promised and... a boy who keeps his promises is a boy I can't help but love.

And I called him today. And he was sick and laying on the couch and just waiting for this day to be over so he can feel better. But he talked to me and was cheerful and he's getting off work to see me in The Fantasticks, and he's going to the show on Thursday just to see me, and... I like him x100000000. I can't help it.

~manda

So, I just had the saddest conversation with him ever. He said that he had started trying to kill himself in 3rd grade. And that he didn't care if he died right now. And why should I care, since I'm only going to know him for so long? And I made him promise that he wouldn't intentionally die in the next 5 years. That includes: car crash from drunk driving, alcohol poisoning, weed poisoning, lung cancer from smoking, and trying to kill himself in other ways.

What could make a person's life so bad that he would not even care???

~manda

edit: so after this I was so sad I got drunk. And called him. And he came to a concert that I was going to, even though he said he wasn't going. And he came over, and we got drunk, and had a sleepover and DIDN'T DO ANYTHING but talk and sleep and cuddle a little. And, it was the cutest thing in the entire world.

Having a crush on a boy makes me exceedingly giddy.

Because, it means

1) I'm over Grant... finally
2) I'm not a lesbian
3) I find myself to be desirable again

which really, there could be nothing better than that. And my God, he's good looking. And funny. And a druggie, which I'm strangely attracted to.

And I can't think about anything else but him... which is pathetic, but really, I'm just giddy. Because he flirts too, I know it. So eventually, I'm going to be dating this boy. This boy that takes up so much of my thoughts right now will take up even more very soon! (I hope.)

And I sound about 12 years old. It's sad that I'm 16. I think its because I was with Grant for so long that I forgot what this felt like. But hey, a girl's allowed to be obsessive once in a while, right?

~manda

Seriously. I hate her. More than can even be normal. Every word she says, I find offensive. Personally, I think that every word she says IS offensive.

But she is with us ALL the time. So much so that I'm going to have to stop hanging out with them so I don't have to deal with her any more.

I started crying on the way home from Carmyn's today. Because I'm so frustrated! Her locker is right next to mine, she works with me, she hangs out with me. And she seems to think that I don't like her just because I'm being crabby. NO. I don't like her because of her personality. At the moment, they just don't mesh. At all. She's proud of working at a fast food restaurant. I am not. She thinks that if she hangs out with people who think they are cool, it will make her cool or something!

I don't want friends who think they're all that. Because thats fake. I want friends who are real.

AND I HATE THIS AND I HATE IT AND I JUST WANT TO CRY AND CRY AND HURT MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE AND AND AND AND

i'm done. I'm just not going to talk to her anymore, and maybe she'll get the hint.